Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive behaviours displayed by someone towards their partner as a way of maintaining power and control over them. It is sometimes called domestic abuse or intimate partner violence. Relationship abuse can go on for a long time, often getting worse over time, and can even carry on after the end of a relationship.
Relationship abuse can happen in or out of a relationship – it could your current partner, or an ex-partner. Anyone can be a victim of relationship abuse, and it can also affect those close to the victim, such as children and other family members, as well as friends.
There are many different types of abuse that may be involved. It could be emotional or psychological, physical, sexual, financial, or a combination of these. Forced marriage is also considered a form of relationship abuse.
Coercive controlCoercive control is a form of emotional and psychological abuse, which is designed to make the victim dependent on the abuser by degrading them, cutting their social ties and removing their independence. Some behaviours associated with coercive control include:
- Threatening behaviour
- Manipulation, such as gaslighting, which involves causing the victim to question something they would otherwise be certain of, like their emotions or personal traits
- Humiliating, degrading and criticising you, like calling you names or telling you you’re worthless
- Taking control over aspects of your daily life, like what you do, who you speak to, where you go and what you wear
- Stalking or monitoring your movements when you’re out
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Withholding money or controlling your access to money, like giving you an allowance or tracking what you buy
- Controlling or withdrawing your access to social media or your phone, like monitoring your activity or changing your passwords
- Not letting you work or study
Coercive control is a criminal offence in Scotland. It can be extremely difficult for someone to leave a situation of coercive control, as they may have become dependent on their partner for money and may no longer have the confidence to make their own decisions. Reaching out to someone that you trust and asking them for help is always the first step. Coercive control is never OK, and you should never be ashamed of seeking help.
Revenge porn: Revenge porn is when someone shares or threatens to share intimate images of you without your consent, with the aim of causing embarrassment or distress. Intimate images may be pictures of videos of you doing something that would normally be private, like having sex, being naked or in your underwear.
Sharing or threatening to share intimate images of someone without their consent is a criminal offence. It is not a crime to take images of yourself or consensually share these with another person, but it is a crime for them to share these images without your consent. These images may have been taken with or without your knowledge and consent at the time, but this does not mean that you have consented to them being shared. You may also be a victim of revenge porn if you are being forced to take and send intimate images of yourself.
Intimate images may be shared online, by text, email or social media, or they could be uploaded to revenge porn sites. They could also be shared offline, by showing someone a physical or electronic image or distributing these more publicly.
Threatening to share intimate images may be a way of emotionally or financially blackmailing a partner or ex-partner. Revenge porn most often happens between ex-partners or even current partners, but you could also be victimised by a third-party or someone you don’t know.
Physical and sexual abuse: Relationship abuse is most commonly associated with physical abuse and acts of violence. This may include hitting, pushing, kicking, punching, burning, strangulation or other acts that are intended to cause physical harm. It may also involve threats of or use of weapons. Physical abuse is not only limited to violence. It may also involve forcing you to eat or drink, or making you take other substances. Physical abuse is most often directed at the person themselves, but could involve harming their family, children or pets.
Sexual abuse refers to unwanted sexual activity that happens without your consent. You may have been forced into it, been manipulated into it, or been unaware that it is happening. Sexual abuse may involve:
- Rape or forcing you to engage in so-called ‘rough sex’ without your consent
- Purposefully hurting you during sex
- Making you have sex with someone else or have someone else involved when you don’t want to
- Refusing to use birth control or forcing you to use hormonal birth control
- Removing a condom during sex without your consent or ‘stealthing’, refusing to use protection or deliberately passing on sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
- Forcing you to have an abortion
- Pressuring you to do things even after you’ve said no
- Making you feel bad for not wanting to have sex
- Suggesting that bad things will happen if they don’t have sex with you
There is a myth that sexual abuse isn’t classed as this when you’re in a relationship, or that it’s just something that you need to deal with. However, this is not true. Sexual violence is never OK and is not normal or part of a healthy relationship.
Abusive partners can be extremely manipulative. They will often tell the victim that they’re to blame for this behaviour or that they have done something to deserve this. However, this is never the case. If you have experienced relationship abuse, you must remember that it is never your fault. No one should have to experience or put up with any form of abuse, whether in a relationship or not.
Abusers often use manipulation to make their partner stay with them. For example, they may threaten to harm themselves or their partner if they try to leave. However, nobody should feel scared within a relationship or be threatened to stay with an abusive partner. If you are, or have been, in an abusive relationship you can access advice and support on your options. The main priority is making sure you are safe, both in and out of the relationship.
Many young people may not recognise or believe that they’re in an abusive relationship, as abusers can often be very charming and may be able to convince others that the relationship is normal or healthy. You may find yourself wanting to stay in the relationship because there are more good times than bad, or because your partner always makes up for their behaviour and promises to change. However, any form of abuse within a relationship is not healthy. Abuse is never OK, and it is not something that you have to put up with.
Independent specialist support (UK specific)
If you are worried about a partner or ex-partners behaviour and believe that they may pose a threat to you in future, you can submit a request to the police to check if they have a history of violent or abusive behaviour. The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS), also known as Clare’s Law, gives you the right to ask about a current or ex-partner’s history. A close friend or family member can also make this request on behalf of someone else. If police checks show that your partner or ex-partner has a history of abusive behaviour and they believe that you may be at risk in future, they may share this information with you. You can learn more about Clare’s Law here: https://clares-law.com/.